Writers Regurgitant

Dave’s one-line movie reviews XVI

Wow, it’s been a long time since I’ve written any movie reviews.  I guess with all the important news about Bruce Jenner and Deflategate, I’ve been distracted from my obligation to keep my readers entertained.  And now with a Presidential election only 17 months away, the media will be driving me nuts, vying for my attention.  Luckily, I keep a list of everything I watch that’s appropriate for this column, so without further delay, here’s a list of what my eyeballs have been pinned to.

“Ex Machina” was really good, and had enough plot twists to keep anyone engaged.  Well, I figured it out about halfway through, but then again, I am a film critic.  (yeah – right!)  Half naked transparent robot ladies are cool to look at too.  Think of this as 2001: a Space Odyssey meets Cherry 2000.

“American Sniper” is a gritty thriller about what it’s like to be an Army ranger sniper.  Having never been a sniper, I have no idea how realistic the story is, but it was definitely a good movie.  Jodi sat through it without even complaining, and I didn’t have to watch a chick-flick in repayment, although I’d hardly call this a “date movie.”  Clint Eastwood was fun to watch as an actor, but as a Director he continues to turn out entertaining and thought provoking movies.  And that’s all I’ve got to say about that.

“Whiplash”  Here the story – J.K. Simmons, who doesn’t seem to have a real first name, is a very intense band teacher at some fancy school for gifted student musicians.  I never thought I’d want to watch a 90 minute film about drums.  Now that I’ve seen it, I still don’t.  Now, a naked lady on the oboe, that’s for me.

“Stonehurst Asylum” with Ben Kingsley, Michael Caine and Kate Beckinsdale, was a Netflix ditty a few months ago.  With a cast like this and the set design and costumes, this movie must have cost a bundle to produce, yet I believe it went straight to Netflix.  Then again, who would pay $14.00 to watch a bunch of dull actors whine away for two hours?

“Lee Daniels The Butler” was a great film, but I don’t know why Director Lee Daniels had to put his name in front of the title.  I mean, if everyone did that, titles would become so long that it would make it impossible to get movie memorabilia key chains at Universal Theme park.  Forrest Whitaker gave a great performance and Oprah Winfrey doesn’t get beat up in this film.

Speaking of Oprah Winfrey, “Selma” is a fantastic movie that you must see.  Reprising her role from “The Color Purple,” Oprah again gets beat up.   “Selma” was one of the best movies I’ve seen this year, although I must admit that it makes me a little bit ashamed to be Caucasian.

“Bad Words” is Jason Bateman’s directorial debut, and I think he plays a great straight man in Arrested Development.  However, Bad Words was a snoozer for me.  I couldn’t make it through the entire film, I tried for three nights, and I like foul mouthed cursing movies.  There are definitely a bunch of belly laughs in there, it just couldn’t hold my interest.  But then again, maybe I couldn’t stay awake because of my drinking problem so you might like it better.

“3 Days to Kill” has Kevin Costner portraying Liam Neeson.  You know, an old grey guy running around with a gun killing everyone in sight.  (I don’t know if Costner follows that up with any public statements condemning gun violence.)  It was an okay action movie, some kind of plot about secret cancer cures or something like that.  Think of “Jack Ryan Shadow Recruit” with Amber Heard instead of Keira Knightly.

“Avengers – Age of Ultron – a brian williams review.”  Welcome to this week’s review of a movie I haven’t seen.  In “…Ultron,” a bunch of old guys in Spandex blow stuff up and save the world.  A few funny lines, lots of fights and explosions, and Scarlett Johansson looking pretty.  There’s some character named the Masked Asgardian, and as I haven’t seen the movie, I don’t know what that means, but I don’t want him standing behind me on the line at the snack stand.

I know that in my last column I promised a series of reviews about Reality television, but I’ve been so busy watching test patterns on the high channels that I haven’t had a chance.  Patience grasshopper – patience.

As always, please share this column with your friends, family and the guys in the cells around yours.

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