My New and Improved 2015 New Year’s Resolutions

January 3, 2015 at 5:53 pm | Posted in Daily blogs and thoughts | Leave a comment
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Every year, millions of people, myself included, make promises to ourselves, under the pretense of being “New Year’s Resolutions,” to improve our lives.  And most people, once again including myself, fail to complete those resolutions.

Bearing that little secret in mind, I have assembled my new and improved New Year’s Resolutions for 2015, with the assumption that I will once again fail to achieve my goals, and therefore, probably improve myself.

Perhaps the most common New Year’s Resolution is to lose weight.  What a stupid idea.  America is the most obese country in the world.  In fact, while most of the world is starving, we actually have diseases for people who overeat and then throw up.  Why can’t we lose any weight?  It’s time to try to gain weight if we want to be thinner.  My first few goals are about how I am going to work towards that noble goal.

  1. Replace black coffee and EQUAL with sugar and heavy cream.  All those artificial sweeteners taste like crap anyhow.
  2. Consume at least a stick of butter a day.  I’ve been eating “I can’t Believe it’s Not Butter” since it came out.  First of all, I CAN believe it’s not butter, it tastes like creamy salt solution in oil, and second of all, I haven’t lost an ounce.  For me, it’s going to be the fine dairy product that nature has provided, instead of that chemical swill.
  3. Increase my daily alcohol intake.  How come doctor’s use alcohol to kill germs, but I’m not supposed to drink it?  If it’s good enough for the medical industry, it’s good enough for me.  Besides, back to numbers one and two, how many overweight alcoholics do you know?
  4. Start smoking.  If your driveway gets cracked and starts falling apart, you put tar on it, right?  Doesn’t it make sense to coat the inside of your lungs with tar to keep out the germs?  And I’m going to smoke grass.  Not marijuana – I mean the lawn.  That way I don’t have to throw out my lawnmower clippings.  Solve two problems with one hookah.
  5. Stop aerobic exercising.  If running hurts my knees, back and legs, then why the heck am I doing it?

Losing weight is the most common New Years Resolution, according to those organizations who have the time to keep track of that stuff.  My other resolutions are not goals about body weight, but important quality of life issues.

  1. Drive on the highway shoulders.  Driving in traffic really stresses me out.  If there’s too much traffic, doesn’t it make sense to create my own lane?  Instead of adding to the traffic, I’m helping to cut it down.
  2. Sleep later, work less.  This one’s a no-brainer.  Who needs to have a heart attack from the stress?
  3. Turn off my internet filters.  Looking at less porn hasn’t made me healthy, wealthy or wise.  Let’s give it a chance.
  4. Spend more time reading Facebook and less time reading the Newspaper.  The news is all bad anyhow, I think I’ll be healthier watching funny cat videos.
  5. Borrow more money.  I can live off credit cards for at least 3 years.  Then, declare bankruptcy, go on welfare, collect food stamps and eat cheese and drink cheap wine for the rest of my life.  I’ll be much more sociable.
  6. Stop watching documentaries, reading “educational” books and websites.  As a matter of fact, stop reading: period.   Knowledge is way over-rated.  Ignorance is bliss, and I want to be happy.
  7. No more volunteering to help others.  I want to help others achieve their New Years Resolutions about volunteering and giving to charity by becoming a benefactor for them.
  8. Travel less.  Who wants to take their shoes off at the airport anyway?  Pay all that money for airfare so I can be squished into a tiny uncomfortable seat with a fat slob reclining their chair into my face and people yelling at me to turn off my cell like I’m Osama bin Laden for not putting my iPhone into airplane mode?  Rushing around the world to get lousy service and bad food in other countries where they hate Americans anyway?  The heck with that.
  9. Throw out more recyclables.  I’m tired of being told I’m a bad person because I won’t clean out my empty tuna fish cans and pay recyclers to take it away, sell it to Starkist and have them refill it with dolphin meat and sell it back to me.  You’ve got the scientists working for you, you figure out how to manage your own garbage.  How about bigger cans at a lower price so I don’t have to buy so many?  And the junk mailers – stop sending me your crap so I don’t have to worry about recycling it.

What do you think about my ideas?  Just imagine what I wonderful person I’ll be if I fail once again, as I have for the past 30 years, to fulfill my New Years Resolutions.

And, Hi Harry.

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Dave’s one-line movie reviews XIII

December 29, 2014 at 1:01 pm | Posted in Daily blogs and thoughts, movie reviews, Numbskull observations, Reviews | Leave a comment
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At the top of my list for my favorite film this year is “The Imitation Game.”    Seriously, it doesn’t get much better than this.  A great cast and a great story about the world’s first computer nerd defeating the Nazis.  Unlike a Tarantino movie, this one’s true.  My prediction is Best Actor for Benedict Cumberbatch and Best Movie on Academy Awards night.

“The Skeleton Kids” wasn’t my kind of movie.  It was a unique story with an amazing cast who have come so far as actors since their Saturday Night Live days, but when it’s all said and done,  there was just nothing there for the Neanderthal in me except 94 minutes of neurotic characters realizing who they are.

Instead of whining neurotic characters, you might want to check out “Lone Survivor,” a tough to watch dramatization of a small squad of Navy Seals who run into a group of goat herders while on a mission in a remote area of Afghanistan.  This is a tense movie about people with real problems.

When the advertisement prominently displays Jane Fonda with a pair of double D’s that Russ Meyer would be proud of, you run to the theater.  However, after one short scene with a lot of prosthetic cleavage, you realize you’ve been bamboozled into yet another chick flick.  “This is Where I leave You” reminds me of The Big Chill without the 60’s soundtrack, another film with troupe of neurotic characters whining about their personal problems.

For some reason, it was my girlfriend’s choice to watch “Gone Girl.”  I don’t know if the chick network posted some bad info, or she just has a thing for Neil Patrick Harris, but this movie gets a definite thumbs up.  Rosmund Pike deserves an Oscar for her performance.  Gone Girl is about as much of a chick flick as Silence of the Lambs.

If you look at this year’s top grossing movies, you won’t find Jon Favreau’s “CHEF,” because instead of special effects they had a story, which seems to be an unfortunate trend these days.  Or maybe I’m just getting old.  The movie is fun, the Mom’s out there will enjoy it, Dads will empathize, and twitter fans will say “I told you so.”

Following his untimely death, any cable channel that had the rights to a Robin Williams movie broadcast it, so I finally got a chance to watch “Dead Poets Society.”   I’ve been a Robin Williams fan since day one, and I know he received a lot of accolades as an actor for this movie.  I’ll be nice and say check it out for yourself, but I don’t see why comedians also have to be actors to be considered successful.

When I heard about the concept of filming a movie over 12 years as the actors aged and could play the same role at different times in their life, I thought “12 disjointed stories edited into one long dull move.”  I was definitely wrong on that, and I’m glad I was talked into seeing “Boyhood,” an entertaining story following a boy growing up from the age of 5 to 18.  Skip Sons of Anarchy for one night and treat your mind to a great movie.

I’ve often said that any movie with Christopher Walken is a must see.  “Stand Up Guys” also adds Alan Arkin and Al Pacino.  The movie’s not particularly great, another aging gangster flick with Viagra jokes, but still worth a view.

And while you’re on Netflix, you might also take a look at “Inequality for All,” a documentary about the widening income gap in the USA.  If you’re a liberal democrat, you’ll yell “yeah!  just like I’ve been saying.”  If you’re a conservative right-winger, you’ll yell “socalist propaganda!”  I prefer to forgo judgement and just pay attention to the figures, which I found interesting.  If you read the newspaper even once in a while, I don’t think you’ll find any new revelations here, but I enjoy seeing a movie without explosions every once in a while.

This is the last review column for 2014.  Like big deal, right? New Years eve is two days away.  Thanks for reading and please share with your friends, your twitter feed and your parole officers.

Other related posts:

Dave’s one-line movie reviews XII

Dave’s one-line movie reviews XI

Dave’s one-line movie reviews X

Dave’s one-line movie reviews Number 1

Dave’s one-line movie reviews XI

November 22, 2014 at 9:36 am | Posted in Daily blogs and thoughts, movie reviews | Leave a comment
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Wow – it’s been a long time since I posted any movie reviews, and I’ve seen so many movies over the past few months, I barely know where to begin.  I find myself in a conondrum, in that I’ve publicly stated that my main goal is to make self-serving, witty comments about the films I’m seeing and leaving the real B.S. to the real movie critics, but I’ve seen so many good movies these past few months that I feel compelled to give them a public nod so that my followers (all 3 of you) will know that these films are worth the cost of admission.

St. Vincent” – Bill Murray answers the question that fans and film students have been asking for 34 years:  What would Carl Spackler be like today?  Melissa McCarthy co-stars as a “what the hell kind of mother would leave her kid with this nut-case” neighbor, and Naomi Watts plays a Russian prostitute with a heart of gold who keeps her clothes on during sex. St. Vincent is a wonderfully entertaining movie that has no golf in it.  If I were you, I’d raid my kids piggy-bank for the cost of a ticket to see this.

“Birdman” – Film students will enjoy its gimmicky photographic style,  Michael Keaton fans will miss the insane Beetlejuice antics, Emma Stone fans will try to figure out what they did to her eyes to make them so big and super-hero movie fans will miss the irony entirely, but Birdman is a lavishly produced exploration of an aging actor’s quest to be relevant.  Okay, it’s not lavish – I don’t even know what that means, but I needed an adverb.  Oh, and Naomi Watts is in it too, sans Russian accent, but still keeping her clothes on during sex scenes.  If you cleaned out the kids piggy bank to see St. Vincent, better start looking in the couch cushions, because you don’t want to miss Birdman.

“Lawless” – Dukes of Hazard without the farmers daughter. Following my advice, you’ve already cleaned out the piggy bank and couch cushions on the previous two entries, so it’s time for a Netflix / cable TV movie.  If you’ve ever wondered why a movie is given away for free, you’ll have that mystery resolved by the end of this low budget two hour gangster movie.  You can tell it’s low budget because most of the movie takes place in the woods.  Next time you’re at Universal Studios Orlando, just imagine that Shia Labeouf and Jessica Chastain were there and your “Lawless” movie experience will be complete.

“Movie 43” – A sketch comedy that features a lot of stars doing funny, short films that their agents didn’t know about.  I love trashy, irrelevant comedy and this Netflix ditty delivered.  I found myself laughing uncontrollably at the sketch with Hugh Jackman and Kate Winslet, where she plays a shut in going on a blind date with a guy who has testicles growing out of his chin trying to eat soup.  And Naomi Watts is in this one too, playing an abusive mother who home-schools her son with psycho husband Liev Shreiber.  Netflix earned my $7.99 when they found this one.

“Noah” – Darren Aranofsky’s interpretation of the old-testament story.   First, I completely enjoy Darren Aranofsky movies and would see anything he directs.  Okay, I realize the original version of the story from Genesis is missing a few details, so at least 90 percent of this movie was, how shall I say it delicately, “deduced” from the bible.  The basic theme of destroying evil by flood is still there, but in their quest to make a two hour movie, some liberties were taken with the story.  I just want to know who the rock-monsters were that protected Noah & the kids, I looked through my bible and couldn’t find a mention.

“The Caine Mutiny” –  A lot of movies are missed by today’s audiences because nobody remembers who the stars are, they can’t make a video game about the film, or the film isn’t in 3D.  Shame, because a lot of viewers are missing great films like the Caine Mutiny, which besides being a fascinating story is also a wonderful collection of character studies by a great troupe of actors.  Nutty is funny walking the line on tragic in this film, such as Humphrey Bogart’s official inquiry into the stolen frozen strawberries.  Acted to perfection, some special effects guys should get out of their parent’s basements and see what a real story is about.

“King of NY” – Only one thing to say about this hoodlum gets out of jail and goes back to his old dirty tricks story with the added twist of being a modern day Robin Hood:  Christopher Walken.  If you follow this column, you know that I feel it’s a requirement that everyone who is a movie afficiondado must see any film with CW in it.

As I said, I’ve been seeing a lot of movies over the past few months, so look for another review in the next few weeks.  Thanks for reading and please consider shareing this with your friends, enemies and cellmates.

Dave’s one-line movie reviews X

June 4, 2014 at 1:14 am | Posted in Daily blogs and thoughts, movie reviews, Numbskull observations, Reviews | Leave a comment
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While I haven’t gotten out to the cinema in quite a few months, I’ve been eagerly catching up on old and missed movies, courtesy of Netflix and Cablevision.  I’m also proud to report that this is the tenth installment of my one-line movie reviews.  Sorry to disappoint readers who thought Movie Reviews X meant pornographic films.

“Taming of the Shrew” – I really like this Richard Burton/Elizabeth Taylor version of the Shakespeare play.  This somewhat vulgar male-fantasy of how to “tame” a woman is easy to follow for those who can’t handle 3 syllable words or who think Shakespeare is too difficult.  As far as the Burton-Taylor match up, think about Who’s Afraid of Virginia Wolf as a comedy.

Las Vegas” –  Hey, here’s an idea:  Let’s take 4 of Hollywood’s highest box-office draw actors and put them in a hotel with a bunch of young girls and call it a movie.  Funny thing is, I like all the actors, I just couldn’t stay awake for the whole movie. “The Hangover” meets “Cocoon.”

The Campaign” –  Okay, Will Ferrell is a box office draw. Zach Galifianakis (hope I spelled that right) is the latest up and coming comic movie star, plus he looks a little like Seth Rogen.  Let’s put them together in a rewrite of “Mr. Smith goes to Washington.”   Folks, you’ve probably seen this before.  As usual, the stars deliver the laughs, but there’s no new territory covered here.

Kiss the Girls” – There’s a psychopath who’s kidnapping girls, and a police detective’s young niece is missing.  Morgan Freeman and Ashley Judd provide the marquee names for another movie about tormenting helpless beautiful young women.  A few twists, but you know how this is going to end before the opening credits are over.

The Attack” –  A brilliant Arab surgeon, living in Israel, deals with the trauma of his wife’s death.  Turns out she led a secret life as a suicide bomber.  Well, a suicide bomber trainee.  You can only perform that task once.  Interesting film about loyalty, being an outcast, and wanting to find the truth, even if you don’t want to know.

Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid” – Two and a half hours of glorified crime starring Robert Redford and Paul Newman.  A perfect example of a 1960’s movie: you’ve got rebels, authority, some civil disobedience, lovable villains for pathos and a beautiful woman for good measure.

Blackthorne” – Sequel to Butch Cassidy et al with Sam Shepard as the aging outlaw.  No Raindrops on my head, no Redford or Newman, and no Academy Awards going out for this one, but watchable if you’re a fan of western movies.

“The Sting” – Since Butch and Sundance got killed at the end, we need another way to make a sequel.   Throw in Robert Shaw for kicks, and it’s guaranteed boxoffice.  If only Katherine Ross was available…

Saving Mr. Banks” – Mary Poppins without the singing penguins.  A good cast pulls it off, but when it’s all over I kind of thought “so what?”  Still, it’s about time a movie character’s psychological issues weren’t blamed on their mother.

“Stranger Among Us” – You probably don’t remember this one.  Detective blonde-haired helium-voiced Melanie Griffith pretending she’s an orthodox Jew in Brooklyn to catch a murder.  Oh, that’s believable.  If you can buy that, I’ve got a bridge in the same neighborhood I can give you a great deal on.

Three O’Clock High” –  This small film is a well made, fast moving high school comedy that doesn’t have anyone farting or getting drunk in the lavatory.  An early Jeffrey Tambor vehicle, good for kids and adults.

Amistad” – I don’t know how I missed this when it first came out, but this Spielberg courtroom drama about slavery is both fascinating in its story, and revolting in its depiction of the slave trade.  After watching how bad some people can be, you can’t help but wonder when the next flood’s coming.

Private Parts” –  If you like Howard Stern, you’ll like this movie.  If you don’t like Howard Stern, you’ll probably still like this movie.  Funny and entertaining.

Jobs” – Whenever I see Ashton Kutcher, I can’t help but think about “That 70’s Show.”  Still, the movie is an interesting bio on the first half of Steve Jobs career, and the Jobs makeup is good too.  I don’t know how truthful it is, but I do remember the “Lisa.”  Maniacal, driven people are always fun to watch.

Grindhouse: Planet Terror” –  Remember when a movie could be so bad that it was good?  Planet Terror is an homage to all those bad, good movies.  Directed by the Quentin Little Me Rodriguez, what can be bad about Rose McGowan fitted with an Assault Rifle artificial leg?  Still, I was disappointed to find out it was CGI instead of a real gun.

Red 2″ – I never sat through the entire “Red” movie; it always seems to be half over whenever I catch it on HBO.  The sequel is pretty much what I remember from the original:  explosions, chases, Bruce Willis & Helen Mirren shooting people and John Malkovich providing the comic relief as the nerdy homicidal computer geek.  Still, you’ve got to love a movie with lines like “I want to defect to Iran.”

Think you’re dumb?

May 20, 2014 at 1:59 pm | Posted in Daily blogs and thoughts | Leave a comment

Keeping with the Writers Regurgitant’s policy of copying things already published, I’m going out on a limb for this post.  Someone has taken the trouble to provide this collection of twitter feeds, many of them generated by people who have not taken advantage of the free education the United States of America provides to all its citizens.

Or perhaps, even worse, they have taken advantage.  Anyhow, enjoy.  I’m diligently working on my next collection of one line movie reviews and hope for a post soon.

Think you’re dumb?  Click here for the collective wisdom of the twittersphere

 

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