My New and Improved 2015 New Year’s Resolutions

January 3, 2015 at 5:53 pm | Posted in Daily blogs and thoughts | Leave a comment
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Every year, millions of people, myself included, make promises to ourselves, under the pretense of being “New Year’s Resolutions,” to improve our lives.  And most people, once again including myself, fail to complete those resolutions.

Bearing that little secret in mind, I have assembled my new and improved New Year’s Resolutions for 2015, with the assumption that I will once again fail to achieve my goals, and therefore, probably improve myself.

Perhaps the most common New Year’s Resolution is to lose weight.  What a stupid idea.  America is the most obese country in the world.  In fact, while most of the world is starving, we actually have diseases for people who overeat and then throw up.  Why can’t we lose any weight?  It’s time to try to gain weight if we want to be thinner.  My first few goals are about how I am going to work towards that noble goal.

  1. Replace black coffee and EQUAL with sugar and heavy cream.  All those artificial sweeteners taste like crap anyhow.
  2. Consume at least a stick of butter a day.  I’ve been eating “I can’t Believe it’s Not Butter” since it came out.  First of all, I CAN believe it’s not butter, it tastes like creamy salt solution in oil, and second of all, I haven’t lost an ounce.  For me, it’s going to be the fine dairy product that nature has provided, instead of that chemical swill.
  3. Increase my daily alcohol intake.  How come doctor’s use alcohol to kill germs, but I’m not supposed to drink it?  If it’s good enough for the medical industry, it’s good enough for me.  Besides, back to numbers one and two, how many overweight alcoholics do you know?
  4. Start smoking.  If your driveway gets cracked and starts falling apart, you put tar on it, right?  Doesn’t it make sense to coat the inside of your lungs with tar to keep out the germs?  And I’m going to smoke grass.  Not marijuana – I mean the lawn.  That way I don’t have to throw out my lawnmower clippings.  Solve two problems with one hookah.
  5. Stop aerobic exercising.  If running hurts my knees, back and legs, then why the heck am I doing it?

Losing weight is the most common New Years Resolution, according to those organizations who have the time to keep track of that stuff.  My other resolutions are not goals about body weight, but important quality of life issues.

  1. Drive on the highway shoulders.  Driving in traffic really stresses me out.  If there’s too much traffic, doesn’t it make sense to create my own lane?  Instead of adding to the traffic, I’m helping to cut it down.
  2. Sleep later, work less.  This one’s a no-brainer.  Who needs to have a heart attack from the stress?
  3. Turn off my internet filters.  Looking at less porn hasn’t made me healthy, wealthy or wise.  Let’s give it a chance.
  4. Spend more time reading Facebook and less time reading the Newspaper.  The news is all bad anyhow, I think I’ll be healthier watching funny cat videos.
  5. Borrow more money.  I can live off credit cards for at least 3 years.  Then, declare bankruptcy, go on welfare, collect food stamps and eat cheese and drink cheap wine for the rest of my life.  I’ll be much more sociable.
  6. Stop watching documentaries, reading “educational” books and websites.  As a matter of fact, stop reading: period.   Knowledge is way over-rated.  Ignorance is bliss, and I want to be happy.
  7. No more volunteering to help others.  I want to help others achieve their New Years Resolutions about volunteering and giving to charity by becoming a benefactor for them.
  8. Travel less.  Who wants to take their shoes off at the airport anyway?  Pay all that money for airfare so I can be squished into a tiny uncomfortable seat with a fat slob reclining their chair into my face and people yelling at me to turn off my cell like I’m Osama bin Laden for not putting my iPhone into airplane mode?  Rushing around the world to get lousy service and bad food in other countries where they hate Americans anyway?  The heck with that.
  9. Throw out more recyclables.  I’m tired of being told I’m a bad person because I won’t clean out my empty tuna fish cans and pay recyclers to take it away, sell it to Starkist and have them refill it with dolphin meat and sell it back to me.  You’ve got the scientists working for you, you figure out how to manage your own garbage.  How about bigger cans at a lower price so I don’t have to buy so many?  And the junk mailers – stop sending me your crap so I don’t have to worry about recycling it.

What do you think about my ideas?  Just imagine what I wonderful person I’ll be if I fail once again, as I have for the past 30 years, to fulfill my New Years Resolutions.

And, Hi Harry.

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