Dave’s one-line movie reviews VI

January 20, 2014 at 9:48 am | Posted in movie reviews, Reviews | Leave a comment
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Psycho’s vs. dog-nappers.  I promised back in May of 2013 that when “Seven Psychopaths” gets to cable I would watch it to make up for falling asleep after throwing my dime into the pay per view pool.  Well this was the weekend I achieved total conciousness. Sam Rockwell steals the show from accomplished show-stealers Christopher Walken, Tom Waits and Woody Harrelson.  My newest opinion is that if Colin Farrell is willing to take the gig, the script has got to be worth watching.  

Live of Pi.”  I suppose I’m one of the few people left in the free world who haven’t seen Ang Lee’s followup to Brokeback Mountain.  Now that we’ve got a 3D TV, HBO has thoughtfully given us some some 3D material to watch.  C’mon Netflix, what are you waiting for?  Oh yeah, the plot:  kid trapped on life raft with man eating tiger.  Think Bollywood version of Castaway without Wilson.   But one heck of a beautiful movie, with a really well done 3D opening credits sequence.

“Absence of Malice.”  Wilford Brimley handing out sa-pee-nees to Seinfeld’s President of NBC  while Butch Cassidy tries to look angry at the flying nun and organized crime figures stand by laughing.  “What are ya gonna do?”  The movie’s every bit as good as it was when I saw it back in 1981, and the cast is killer.  This should be on every high school and college student’s syllabus.

I found this on a new channel I noticed on our cable system:  “Movies!”  They broadcast in 16 x 9 letterbox, which I guess is their idea of being modern, but not in high definition.  On Verizon FIOS, movies are shrunk to smaller than screen size (at least on my 1080 screen).  Their website has instructions on how to rescan your TV so their movies run full-screen.  Maybe it’s me, but I’m not going to unplug and re-setup my TV to watch a movie.  Still, Movies! has lots of great old films worth watching.  They edit for content, but their language standards are very 1970’s.  I’m not a fan of the “G-d damn” phrase, but I know what they’re saying and it’s censorship, not community standards, when you cut it out.  Okay, comrades?

“Cockney’s vs. Zombies”.  How could you not watch a movie with a title like that?  Easily, if you have some taste.  I always thought cockney was a dialect,now it turns out it’s a country?  Some creative zombie gore, but there’s got to be more to a movie than that.  One redeeming feature was Pussy Galore playing a 70 year old nursing home resident fighting zombies.  Wait a second, Pussy Galore is 70 years old?  I must be dreaming.

Dawn Rider.”  Don’t let the Christian Slater photo with the crazy eyebrows on the movie poster fool you.  This is not “Heathers” in the old west.  Pretty standard cowboy revenge fare, except the story doesn’t start until 30 minutes into the film.  I guess that makes the first half hour “character development.”  Donald Sutherland sports the most beautifully manicured beard in cowboy movie history.  The one unanswered question is, does his character work as a mall Santa in between bounty hunter gigs?

Superman II.”  With so many movie channels competing for your attention, it’s getting difficult for HBO to find new entertainment, so we’ll just have to settle for watching some old ones.   These days, Hollywood makes movies out of cartoons.  In Superman II, they made a cartoon out of a movie.  Actually, this is my favorite of the Christopher Reeve superman movies.  That’s sort of like saying chicken pox was my favorite childhood disease.   Am I the only one in the audience who didn’t realize Superman and Clark Kent were the same person until he took his eyeglasses off?  Now, kneel before Zod!

“The Lego Movie.”  To be totally fair, this movie hasn’t been released yet, so I haven’t seen it.  I don’t plan to see it either.  My kids are grown up and I’m not in the target demographic.  All I can say is “Really?”  A lego movie?  First it was comic books, then it was videogames, now we have a movie based on building blocks?  Rumor has it that adult entertainment is already working on a parody called “Erector set,” and one of the networks has a “Lincoln Logs” project in development.  What’s next – a series based on interstate highway signs?  Route 80, coming to a theater near you.

Thank’s for reading my one-line movie reviews, and please feel free to share them with your friends


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