Dave’s One-line movie reviews II

May 29, 2013 at 2:54 pm | Posted in Daily blogs and thoughts | Leave a comment
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It’s been soooooo long since I posted any of my one-line movie reviews, but I’ve been busy in the theatre, on Netflix, and looking over the shoulder of the kid on the train to bring you the finest in concise entertainment critique.

“Les Miserables”  Some guy steals something from a church and a bunch of people spend the next 3 hours singing about it. Good film for catching a few zzzzz’s. But the really best review about it is here: http://www.uproxx.com/webculture/2012/12/a-very-succinct-les-miserables-review/

“Star Trek Into Darkness”  Starts out as a 9-11 fantasy revenge film, but half way through they decided to remake “Wrath of Khan.”  Cool to watch in 3D Imax, but if they give you crappy glasses, make sure you go back for a good pair.

“Gatsby:”  Someone told me they had a script when they made this movie, but I’m not sure what they did with it.  Lots of CG, I bet the entire movie was green-screened.  I liked the music, 20’s Jazz somehow infused with modern hip hop.  Or whatever they call it these days.

“Dark Shadows”  I love Tim Burton movies.  Well, it was bound to happen, Tim can’t get a home-run every time at bat.  It took me three sittings to get through this, and that’s without alcohol.

“D’Jango Unchained”  Loved this film.  Only Quentin Tarantino could make the birth of the Klu Klux Klan  funny.

“Argo” – Wacky Iranian nitwits outsmarted by Ben Affleck & his merry men.  Alan Arkin is priceless, but not a lot of suspense.  Surprised it did so well on Oscar night.

“Flight” – Denzel Washington as alcoholic pilot flying upside down.  I liked the soundtrack.  Saw it with a dumb audience who insisted on applauding as if the actors were there.  Guess the screen felt better?

“House of Cards”  Okay, not really a movie, but a darn good television series.  Check it out, Kevin Spacey is phenomenal.

“Iron Sky”  Oh, those wacky Nazis are at it again.  Now, they are hiding on the moon, getting ready to attack Earth.  I think the film makers knew this was a joke, but I”m not sure.

Seven Psychopaths” – Anything with Tom Waits and Christopher Walken is worth watching, but I don’t remember what this movie was about.  Think I must have fallen asleep.  Have to catch it again when it gets to cable.

“Osombie”    The truth the administration wouldn’t tell us.  Osama Bin Laden was actually creating an army of the living dead.  Hmmm…..  Definitely qualifies as 90 minutes of my life I can’t get back.

“Abraham Lincoln, Vampire Fighter”  Do yourself a favor, read a book instead.  I hate vamp movies without sexy chick vampires in them.

“Dead Snow”  This time, Nazi zombies are hiding in the snow, killing teenagers on a party weekend in a cabin in the middle of nowhere. German with English subtitles, so you can feel like you’re getting an education while you watch.   See my review of Iron Sky above.

“Poultrygeist:  Night of the Chicken Dead”  In case you thought Troma films was out of business, they’re back.  This foul film has more bloody fart jokes than I’ve ever seen.  Made it half way through before a cult-deprogrammer rescued me.  Not to be watched while eating White Castle “Chicken Rings.”

“Zero Dark Thirty”  Great movie.  You’d think knowing the ending would ruin the film, but not the case at all.  See it.

“Lincoln”  Not to be confused with Lincoln vs. Zombies or Lincoln vs. Vampires (It’s been a busy year for Honest Abe).  The Steven Spielberg/Daniel Day Lewis film is worth watching, even if we don’t get to see the Ford Theatre action.  Though Sally Field was a bit too whinny, but that’s the script…..

“TED”  Screaming, cursing bear and Mila Kunis vs. Mark Wahlberg.  I laughed till the tears rolled down my face.  Just love those fart jokes.


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